Girl, I've been where you are, twice. I guess I'm a slow learner. You are not ugly or stupid, you're just a person doing the best you can. The nice guy/mean guy is one of the oldest plays in the book. he's throwing whatever he can at the wall hoping it sticks; hoping he can regain control of the situation and you and get you to do what he wants. If nice doesn't cut it, try being a dick. That doesn't work, pour the sugar back on. It's a headfuck, isn't it?

The reason he didn't show up to the final custody hearing is because he had no cards to play. He had no way to take any control, so he "chose not to go." Ex #1 did that to me. best thing ever.

As for the self harm threat. Most places have cooling centres. He can go to a mall. Ain't your problem. When my ex threatened to end his life, I didn't do nothing, I did something. I called 911 and told them exactly what he said and where he was. I'm a good citizen like that. I take those threats seriosuly, so I wanted a wellness check (please read the sarcasm between the lines). Imagine his surprise when rather than getting me to knuckle under, he was met with an ambulance and 2 cop cars! Problem solved. Well, almost, moving 3/4 of the way across the country also helped.

Just my two cents from an older lady who's been there.