I get it. I so get it. It's that toxic pleasure and pain that reminds you you're alive. I still miss my mother for the same reason and can't stop myself writing about her. ironically, she kicked it on Christmas Day 2020. I didn't go to her funeral. Covid, travel, etc. Not sure I'd have gone anyway. I've made my peace with her, but whatever.

I don't miss her. I miss the idea of her