I'm sorry you're going through this with your son. My boy is considerably older than yours. 20 is an adult like a carrot is meat...not at all. He's old enough on paper to do stuff, his brain hasn't even stopped growing. My son is 31. He's recently taken a hard look at his life and has reached out for counselling, treatment and to the John Howard Society for help with housing, further education and gaining a pardon (he has some minor charges dating back to his younger drinking days). These are all things I told him to do before. Funny how that works, eh?

What's up with his drinking? Is this a young boy party phase thing, or does he have a problem?

Not being rude, but bio-mom can mind her business. She may have come from a hard liffe and she may mean well, but let's not forget who stayed up all night with YOUR son, who taught him to read and walk, who helped him with his homework and laughed and cried rivers of tears over him. She's entitled to her opinion, but unless you're in it, you just don't know.

She could be jealous that she didn't get support from her family. She could be insecure about her relationship with your son (her birth son) and feels the need to point out what she deems imperfections on your part, who knows. All I know is, not her circus, not her monkys, ya know?

If I were judged by the shit I did at 20....well, let's just say my life would be very different. None of us make it out of this without making some really stupid mistakes.

I don't think you're doing the wrong thing. Yes, there's is a fine line between support and enabling/co-dependency, but it's tough to find. You kinda know it when you get to it. I mean, I think you have to have a hard line, and shouldn't make it easy for him. And it seems you're not, you're making him work for the money, etc. Sadly kids don't come with a manual.