Lisa, thank you for writing this! I lost my father 27 years ago to kidney and heart disease. He became ill when I was 12 and "died" on the table more than once. He had a quadruple bypass and a kidney transplant and had beaten the odds and doctors' predictions so many times, it was nuts. I grieved him over and over through those years, only to be handed small glimmers of hope over and over, just enough to allow you to let your guard down. It was a roller coaster I'd never wish on anyone and in the end, his suffering was such that even HE was ready to be done with it. I didn't cry at his funeral either. And I got judged harshly for it too. I didn't have any tears left, and my mother completely fell apart, so at 23, I was in charge of all the arrangements, despite never having experience.