Your stories lately have been breaking my little heart and I've hesitated to say anything because it's not my place, then again, I have a big mouth, so, there is that. I'm no therapist, but I've lived through a lot of shit, including a toxic mother (and let's be honest, she was awful but your mom kinda makes her a candidate for sainthood). Anyway, I'm also no stranger to insecurity.

The whole thing with your brother reminds me of me. It's like you view his love and his blood that saved you as a transactional thing, a quid pro quo, rather than just relational. I get it, I see a lot of younger me (and sometimes present me in you). I breaks my heart to see you doing what I did and seemingly, from your words believing what I did - that I had to buy my way in, prove my worth, bend over, twist myself into knots, whatever other martyr- type shit I had to do just to be let in, to be accepted. It's not true, and it is so not fair. You're worth acceptance on your own. But I know you can't see that.

Honestly, I think that was a shitty thing your brother did, even if he may have thought he was helping move matters along for good reasons.

That said, every fibre of my being is screaming STOP, turn back, don't do this when it comes to your mother. I think you know you're walking back into something that you neither want nor need and probably can't handle. Is it really worth it? Honestly, once you've martyred yourself enough and completely ruined your health and sanity, Will it be worth it?

Enough of advice from an old lady. I know you're going to do what you're going to do.