Your story really touched me. It reminds me of me almost a deccade ago. You know how I learned to stop caring for everyone else and neglecting myself? You know how I learned to start taking up space? I had a complete mental breakdown and pretty much collapsed from exhaustion and spent a month hiding in my bed. That wasn't 45 for me, it was 43. Almost 8 years ago.

I turn 51 on July 27. I take up A LOT of space. I advertise my birthday to my kids and my hubby months in advance. For years no one noticed really. Not even a happy birthday most times from my adult kids (and I made excuses for them). But this year, my middle son is taking me to a comedy show. he surprised me with tickets. And last year, I messaged my other 2 boys and said, "thank you ever so much for the birthday wishes." Passive aggressive? Kinda. And I passed it off as a joke, but that's how I was comfortable beginning to take up space.

Somehow, you have to start letting go of what other's think. Where are these others when you're down? How much are they really thinking about you? They aren't. They have their own shit going on. And really, so what if they call you selfish? What then? Is the world going to cave in? Nope. Be selfish. Be a bitch. Actually, don't, change the connotation. It's not bitchy to have boundaries. it's not bitchy to value yourself and to demand others value you. And if it is, well, fuck it, I'll be a bitch then.

It sounds like 45 was rough for you. Let 46 be the day you were born, as in reborn into the firece queen you really are deep down. You'll stumble, you'll slip back into old habits from time to time, but you'll get there. And trust me, 50 will be a bash, and people better bring you presents!